Helen Fernald

Letters to My Mother: Creating a Loving Connection after Loss

Have you ever lost someone who meant the world to you? When that person died, were you unsure you could go on? Perhaps it was a family member, your best friend, or your partner. It doesn’t matter.

Did she die unexpectedly? Maybe he died after a long and agonizing illness. Whether we receive the gift of saying goodbye or are traumatized by its suddenness, loss is difficult and unpredictable. Our breath is taken away; our hearts shatter. Then what do we do?

If you live in the American culture, you may have little choice. We are supposed to be resilient and positive. Many of us are always in a hurry, we don’t have time—or we don’t take time —to mourn. People don’t necessarily want to listen or don’t know what to say. Some well-intentioned friends offer words that are less than comforting, like “It was a blessing.” “Those things happen.” “Are you still thinking about that loss? Three months have gone by. It is time to move on.”

Sometimes we cannot move on because we have not stopped to acknowledge the loss and how we feel about it. Our lives have changed forever. How do we deal with all the emotions? Too often we bury those feelings deep within the heart, in a tiny closet where we have stored years of other feelings. Then we throw away the key, hoping against hope that we will never have to deal with them again.

However, if a closet is stuffed full of anything—old shoes, clothing that is out of style, or even unfelt emotions— eventually that door will break open. At least that is what happened to me. Maybe it has happened to you, dear reader, as well.